Friday, June 20, 2008

Friday, June 20th, 2008

Most grateful moment: My cousin, Hannah, came over this morning to help me with the kids. When I realized that today was the day she was coming, I bounced out of bed like a kid on Christmas. She was able to take them outside and occupy them while I went to the grocery store by myself and organized the upstairs of my house. This is the first time I have felt slightly in control of my surroundings in the past few weeks and it was like a breath of fresh air. I am looking forward to her weekly visits this summer!!!

One thing I learned today: Tommy and I were flipping through the channels last night and stopped on the religious channel for some reason. It was a show geared toward teenagers, hosted by a young guys (probably in his 30's). He was so enthusiastic and insightful and really had a wealth of stories (both religious and not) up his sleeve to prove every point he was making. I'm not sure what I learned from him, exactly- but I kind of sat in awe/ envy of him as we watched. I wish I had that way with words to uplift people- especially that population.

One moment I wish I could re-do: I wish I could stop putting pressure on myself. I am noticing how hard I am being on myself- i feel like it's a constant stream of negative comments to myself going on in my head all day. 'You should be playing with Mallie', "You should be reading to Jack", "You haven't cleaned the bathroom floor in 2 weeks", "Your car is full of trash and needs to be vacuumed out'- it just seems to go on, and on and on. There are many, many things that I should be critiquing myself about, but probably 90% of the things that I am, are not important and end up putting me in a horrible mind-set- which usually leads to snappy interactions with my kids.

Best life tip: Make sure your husband is your best friend. I feel like I've been taking Tommy for granted...not on day-to-day things, but overall. I haven't been relying on him as my best friend and the person who has my back in every situation- which he is. I need to remember that and make sure I am that person for him.

Biggest laugh of the day: Several today: This morning, Jack took a toy away from Mallie as she was standing at the living room table. Just as Claire was about to tell him to give it back, Mallie threw a sock at Jack and gave him a stern yelling at, to go along with a very angry and stern look. It was hilarious and I think it even startled Jack.
Jack has been saying some seriously funny stuff lately: He's been calling me by my first name regularly. Today, as he was running down the street, I called for him to come back and he told me, "I'm COMING ERIN!!!" Last night, Tommy was trying to get him in the car as he ran around the back yard. Tommy said, "Let's go Jack!' to which Jack replied, "You're killing me man!" I bought him a tricycle today to try to bride him with potty training. Tonight he was riding it around the living room and he stopped and got off and said "Thank you for getting this bicycle for me at the store Mommy. You are so SMART!"

Best Tommy moment: I've been complaining to Tommy about a family situation lately. Today he finally acknowledged my annoyance and confirmed that fact that I might have a point. It was validating. Again, he always has my back even when it takes him a while to realize it.

Best Jack moment: Jack's eczema on his legs has been acting up. Tonight it was causing him pain for the first time. So I put some of his lotion on it. When I was finished putting it on, he stood up and gave me a big hug. He said, "Mommy, you the greatest doctor. You make me feel better!" It was so enthusiastic and from his heart!!!

Best Mallie moment: Mallie is definately a ham. Hannah was putting her big sunglasses on her and instead of ripping them off and eating them like a normal baby would- Mallie froze and turned her little head toward her audience. Then she gave a light smile and just posed there for several minutes. She loves dressing up.

*Last week, Mallie stood by herself for several seconds. She is really thinking about standing and taking steps- although she knows she can move much faster with her side-crawl. She is fully able to crawl the right way, but gets around faster the way she does it. She is also saying Mama and Dada sometimes. Tommy walked in the other night from work and she defiantely looked at him and pointed and said "DADA!!!"

Monday, June 16, 2008

Monday, June 16th, 2008

I cannot believe that the last time I tried to write was June 1st. It feels like it was this morning that I sat down and got interrupted after the first sentence....and in fact, 15 days have passed!? This is how things seem to be going around here though. I've been feeling like things are spinning out of control and I'm having a hard time slowing them down and catching up- let alone getting the 'extra' things done that I'd like.
Although we've had a full week of illness going on here, which may explain my overall negative mood, I can't completely excuse it on that. I was feeling 'at the brink' before last week, too. And I don't really have an explanation for it. I've become so short-tempered! I NEVER thought I'd be the kind of mom to swat at my kids and shout at them or say mean things. But it looks like I have become just that. For the last couple weeks, I've hated looking back at my day and some of the things I've said to Jack or the ways I've handled situations with him. I am smart, and good at diffusing temper-tantrums, distraction, humor....all the things that would work better than what I've been doing. But I feel like I've become lazy and just fall back on allowing myself to do whatever comes naturally- which in the face of frustration and annoyance, is the worst thing I can be doing.
I am scrambling to get an hour, a minute, a second to myself during the day- to sit and eat a bowl of cereal or check my email or SHOWER. Most of the time these things don't happen. I am crabby if the kids don't nap together, or at the exact moment I want them to....and then if they do, I am crabby when they have the audacity to wake up.
I am not stimulating Jack or Mallie with games or reading or crafts. I am doing the bare minimum. And speaking of things I am not doing- there is a LONG list that I go through in my mind about 1,000 times a day. Every time I recite the list, or add a new item, I become ancy, anxious, annoyed....but I never have a time window to begin on the list- and if I do, I rarely do anything anyways, because I am almost resigned to the fact that the list will never be accomplished anyways.
Here are some of the items on this list:
-get house ready to put on the market (painting, de-cluttering, cleaning closets, cleaning cabinets, organizing basement, weeding yard, making flyers, taking pictures, etc, etc., etc., etc.)
-clean out my car (may not sound like a big deal, but trust me....)
-order all pictures of kids on photo website (dating back to Jack's 1st b-day party)
-catch up on Jack's scrapbook
-begin Mallie's scrapbook
-write something, anything down about this pregnancy, as I have the other 2, so that this baby can read it some day, like the other 2.
-clip coupons
-organize grocery shopping so that I am not buying duplicates, not wasting, using what I have.
-start cooking and freezing meals for when the baby is born
-take inventory of kids' clothes in order to buy summer clothes for them.
-LAUNDRY
-start reading 'A New Earth'
-educate myself on the household finances and the program Tommy made for us


This is a very, very small snip-it of the things I like in my own head daily....usually during the 12 minutes I have free, which I spend sitting on the couch, watching TV.

I feel caught between two philosophies of motherhood. One, introduced to me by my sister's friend: housework and other miscellaneous tasks come far, far down the list of priorities behind stimulating and entertaining your child. Dishes pile up, floors go unwashed, laundry stays dirty. You spend your day with your child, engaging them, playing, stimulating, reading, crafting, imagining. And you don't worry about anything else because being a mom is your job. Not being a maid. The second, is reinforced to me every time I watch my newest favorite show "Jon and Kate +8". The mom on this show has a set of 6 year-old twins and 3 year-old sextuplets...for a grand total of 8 kids. Mind you, it is a TV show, so I'm sure we aren't seeing it ALL. But this girl is TOGETHER. Washing floors after every meal, wiping every surface down, 3-4 loads of laundry per day, cooking every meal- organically, kids are clean and dressed well.
I want both of these worlds and I do try. But at 10 a.m., when I've spent the last 30 minutes cleaning the kitchen after breakfast from 2 kids, vaccuming the floors and throwing in one load of laundry (barely making a real dent in what really needs to be done around here!) both of my kids are whining and crying for attention, or watching Elmo- not being stimulated by me- and then the guilt sinks in because I'm doing things that are unimportant instead of spending time with them. So, we spend time doing a craft or playing a game...and in 30 minutes, the house is a disaster again and I'm feeling like I can't breath because the anxiety is building because the mental list is building. And then I start snapping at the kids because of my own frustration and 'why can't they just clean up after themselves?" and then I realize that Jack is 2 and Mallie is 10 months old and then the guilt begins for being so short-tempered with them.

Then I think about people with 3 kids who work full time and don't have a husband. How do they do it? And what the hell am I complaining about? What about the moms living in Africa without any amenities, who have sick kids they're trying to care for? I mean, really, what am I feeling anxious about? I do think of these things several times a day, but sometimes they don't stick and I allow myself to spiral.

I think that's enough for this post. Just a lot of venting after a few tough weeks.

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Sunday, June 1st, 2008

Most grateful moment of the day: We have had a GREAT weekend together!!! Yesterday, we all went to the bank and deposited our savings into a CD to start officially saving for our new house.

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Wednesday, April 30th, 2008

Most grateful moment: I have a couple today! I was so grateful that our playgroup met at our house this morning. I have been looking forward to getting together with them so much lately. And this week- especially, due to the fact that we haven't left the house with Jack potty training. It's been a long few days and seeing everyone made this day go much faster. Kim is also potty training Kylie, so it was nice to commiserate with her, too!
I was also so happy to get out tonight with my aunt, mom, sister and cousin. I lined up a baby-sitter and met them for dinner. It was great to sit, relax and chat. Di's wedding is coming up and it was so much fun to talk about it and get excited!!!
I was also very grateful to come home and put my kids to bed and have a few hours of alone time, with Tommy at the Tribe game tonight!

One thing I learned today: I learned that potty training a toddler is an all-consuming event. I never thought that my emotional highs and lows could truly be dictated by the toilet habits of my 2 year-old, but they are. When he went poop today without a fight in his potty, I was seriously on Cloud 9. And when he had an accident, I was completely deflated. There must be an under-lying issue here....but I'm too busy running him up and down the stairs and washing his hands every 20 minutes to figure it out.

One moment I wish I could re-do: This is stupid because I know in my heart and head that I desperately needed to get out tonight. However, I wish I hadn't gone. Mallie was freaking out the whole time I was gone and the sitter had to call me home at 8:30. And it interfered with Jack's potty routine. I wish I had had the strength/ stamina to make it one more night on my own. Tommy will be home for the first time this week at the regular time.

Best life tip: Take a minute to enjoy your pregnancy every day! My friend, who had a miscarriage last year and is pregnant again, was talking about holding a friend's newborn yesterday. She said that as she held this little baby, how excited and happy she was to be pregnant because she knew that cuddly time was just around the corner for her again! It made me excited too- for her- and for my own new baby on the way! I think I let days go by without getting myself psyched up for this new one!

Biggest laugh of the day: Charlie was over for playgroup. Olivia wasn't feeling well and was crying pretty hard at some points. Charlie leaned over to her and said, 'Olivia, settle down. Settle down.' This didn't really settle Olivia down, but it made us all laugh.

Best Tommy moment: Tommy called to see if he could take Jack to the Indian's game on Sunday. My cousins, dad, and uncles are sitting in Dan's suite for the game to celebrate Kevin's bachelor party. And Tommy's first thought was to bring Jack. I thought it was the cutest thing and a perfect way for Jack to enjoy a game- since it was 'too loud on his ears' last year.

Best Jack moment: Jack went poop on the potty without a problem today and exclaimed that it was 'a big one', when he was finished. He also told me that he had to go potty before wetting his underpants this afternoon- which, to me, is the biggest step we've had so far!!!

Best Mallie moment: Mallie is being completely neglected this week in the shadow of this potty issue. I have interrupted her bottles, her baby food feedings, rocking her to sleep, her playing peacefully with a toy....all to take her big brother up to the potty. She is a wonderful sport about the whole thing.
She is also cracking Jack up (and vice versa) lately. She'll scoot in to the bathroom while he's going and poke her little head around the corner and grunt. He thinks it's hilarious and we call her the Monster Baby and run away from her, only for her to scoot after him and grunt again. They both get themselves into hysterics.
Mallie has 2 good sized teeth on the bottom now. She eats 2 baby food meals a day and about 4 bottles. She's getting huge! Her 9 month appointment is next week and I cannot wait to see how much she has grown!
Mallie waves when she is waved to and claps when other people clap or say 'yeaaaa!'. Tonight she cried for 2 hours for the baby-sitter, but as soon as I got home and held her, she was smiling and waving at her and doing her little 'doggy pant' that she does when she's happy with herself.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Monday, March 25th, 2008

A lot has happened since the last post. 3 weeks ago we found out that we are expecting another baby at the end of October/ beginning of November. I feel like things have been a bit of a whirlwind since then. The house is falling apart because I'm not feeling up to cleaning during the day. We just had Easter weekend, which like all holidays around here involves preparation and lots of running around. It's been crazy!

Most grateful moment: When Tommy got home. It was a long day of being tired and not feeling great. It was a huge relief to see him walk in the door!

One thing I learned today: There is a new book called The Ten Year Nap out that I am dying to read. It is about 4 different women who are stay-at-home moms. When I heard the name of this book, I laughed out loud and almost started crying at the same time. It's such a perfect explanation of how I feel about this stage in my life. I feel like I am hibernating from the real world- hiding from the stresses and rigors of a business life or of being a teacher. To me, this is the plus side of it....But I also feel as though my brain is taking a nap and I am not as sharp as I was. It takes energy to keep your mind stimulated and learning and connecting and bright. Frankly, I don't have that energy right now. I feel like I pour it all into thinking about my kids' well-being and happiness and it leaves little time for my own intellect! In no way am I unhappy about where I am right now. But sometimes I worry that letting my brain take a 10 year nap is not good for it!

One moment I wish I could re-do: Eating jelly beans for breakfast. It set me out to a sluggish, nauseous day after a night of no sleep.

Best life tip: Reason with your toddler...don't demand. Tommy just went in to Jack's room for the 4th time in the last 15 minutes to quiet him down. Instead of just telling him to go to bed, he said "Listen, Mallie's not feeling well. I need you to be quiet so that she can get some rest and feel better". Jack said, "OK" and we haven't heard another peep out of him!

Biggest laugh of the day: At about 5:30 tonight, I finally went up to take a shower. When I came down I caught Jack off guard with my wet hair and different clothes. He ran up to me to hug me, but stopped short and stood in front of me awkwardly, trying to figure out what to say. He started laughing his fake, forced laugh and said, 'Mommy, this shirt is funny", pointing at my sweatshirt. So I said 'Why is it funny?' and he must have felt bad or something because he gave me a hug and said 'No, Mommy, I love this shirt."

Best Tommy moment: I called Tommy at about 5:15 this afternoon. He was in the driveway and answered the phone anyway. I asked where he was and he said 'I'm in the driveway, did you know there are 2 cats next to the garage?'- as though we were going to battle. He came inside and opened the blinds and stared at the cats for several minutes, until the walked away. He then called me into the kitchen to check and see if the one cat was 'abnormally large'. To end the Day of the Cats, I was in Mallie's room putting her to bed. He poked his head in, with a victorious grin on his face and said, "Do you hear that? Something is getting that cat!" and with a fist pump he left the room. I'm not sure what the cats ever did to him, but he sure doesn't like them!

Best Jack moment: Claire took Jack on a little drive this morning. They stopped at the lake for a while and she looked back at him staring out of the window. She asked him what he was thinking about and he answered, "My mommy. I love her so much".
While I was out getting dinner, Tommy was talking to Jack about Mallie's new tooth that's coming in. (We had been making a big deal out of it earlier that afternoon). Tommy said they were sitting there chatting and Jack asked, "So Dad, will Mallie have teeth tomorrow?"

Best Mallie moment: Mallie's been struggling with a cold and a little bit of a fever all day. She was up all night last night... When Tommy got home tonight, he noticed that her first tooth is poking through! She's almost 8 months old, so we've been waiting for this!!!!

Monday, March 10, 2008

March 10th, 2008

Most grateful moment: Finishing the dishes after dinner and looking at the plateful of cookies I made and realizing I had nothing else to do for the rest of the day but sit on the couch, play with the kids and eat cookies!!!

One thing I learned today: That Garmin was rated an undervalued stock in our Better Investing magazine. Interesting to me because I was under the impression that it was overvalued and worried about the stock we own in it.

One moment I wish I could redo: I wish I had figured out a time to get to the gym. I cannot wait to go tomorrow morning after almost 2 weeks away! UGGGG!

Best life tip: Listen to your kids. I've been trying to give Jack time to explain himself and express what he's trying to say lately and some wicked things are coming out of his mouth. Very funny and very interesting. He just needs time to get them out sometimes!!

Biggest laugh of the day: I've had many laughs today....most of them at the expense or due to Jack. I guess the biggest one would have been when he was standing on the scale this morning. He started screaching and complaining and I asked him what was wrong and he said 'I want it to go up here (pointing to the MUCH bigger number that appears when I stand on the scale) like you!" This was both the biggest laugh and biggest insult.

Best Tommy moment: Watching him shovel the snow in the driveway tonight when he got home from work. He looked very cute in his work clothes and glasses shoveling away.

Best Jack moment: There were a few. This morning he ran into the kitchen telling me that he had found 'A ANT!!!' I didn't really believe him, since it's mid-March and 2 feet of snow outside. But I followed him and he pointed out a spider. It was cute how his mind works and how he's relating concepts.
Tonight Jack went up to Mallie and gave her a big hug and told Tommy, "I love my sister'. For some reason, I decided to tell him that he is Mallie's brother and he's my son. He must have thought I was being funny and meant 'sun' so he continued the joke and started going around to all of us and calling us the names of innanimate objects. He said, "Mommy, you a basketball." "Daddy you a motorcycle", etc. It made us laugh.
Jack is also rereading, from memory, his favorite story. He says, "Scooby dooby moooo. Fa La la la baaaaa, whacka whacka quaaaack- the duck snored'.
Also, Jack has been 'helping' Mallie play basketball. He puts the ball in her lap for a split second, then takes it and shoots it 'for her'. If he makes it he celebrates for her and tells her, 'Mallie you make it!!!' If he misses, he turns to her to let her know 'Mallie, you miss it.'
Finally, in a potty training moment this afternoon, Jack was nowhere to be found. Tommy went upstairs and found him behind the shower curtain, reading his 'Little Grover Has to Go' potty book....and going in his diaper. This is considered a step in the right direction (that he was at least in the bathroom) when he went to the bathroom!!!
Jack sings the song 'Camptown Races' like this: 'Camptown Races sing this song: BOO-YA, BOO-YA. Camptown Races 5 miles long, Oh Boo-Ya Day'


Best Mallie moment: I probably have said this before....but Mallie is getting SASSY!!! She is a very pleasant little thing all day and happy, for the most part. But a whole different side of her comes out when Tommy gets home. He is rough with her and she LOVES it. He'll hold her hands and make her arms go up and down and dance and she thinks its the funniest thing. He tosses her around his lap, upside down and sideways, and she laughs. And he holds her above his head and screaches at her and she screaches back and smiles from ear to ear. She shouts at Jack and tries to get his attention or scolds him when he takes a toy from her. She is getting close to crawling and is going to be a force to be reckoned with when she does!

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Thursday, February 28th, 2008

Pinch me....It could not possibly be February. I'm looking out the window of the hotel bar here in Punta Cana, to a slighty cloudy, 80 degree day with palm trees and green water.

I don't even want to go through the format I normally use to blog because it will make me too sad. Thinking that I am missing the best Jack and Mallie moments each day that we're gone is making me queasy. But there have been lots of best Tommy moments to distract me.

One thing has become crystal clear to me. I love my life at home. Don't get me wrong. It is wonderful to enjoy fun in the sun in the middle of winter. But it would never tempt me to stay away for longer than 5-6 days. This little trip is going to get me by for a loooooooooong time. Where some people need trips like this sporatically throughout the year, I could never do it. I love my kids and what they do and how they sound and the way they feel. They are my favorite people to spend time with. I can only imagine Jack jumping into this pool at this resort with his water wings on like a little monkey. Or Mallie playing with beach toys on a beach towl under a palm tree with her little diaper sticking out of her two-piece bathing suit. It would have been so much fun....in a different way.
And I love my house and my stuff and my bed and just the thought of feeling my feet on my bedroom carpet while I unpack makes my stomach jump in excitement. It is true that trips like this probably help you to see these things. But it didn't take me long. I am so lucky.

I've also have a new-found respect for what Tommy does. He works really hard and is really smart and good at what he does. He's providing a really, really wonderful life for me and Jack and Mallie. For us to be able to go on a trip like this, on his income, and still live more than comfortably is remarkable.

That's all for now. I think I'll go back to the beach for a while.