Monday, June 16th, 2008

I cannot believe that the last time I tried to write was June 1st. It feels like it was this morning that I sat down and got interrupted after the first sentence....and in fact, 15 days have passed!? This is how things seem to be going around here though. I've been feeling like things are spinning out of control and I'm having a hard time slowing them down and catching up- let alone getting the 'extra' things done that I'd like.
Although we've had a full week of illness going on here, which may explain my overall negative mood, I can't completely excuse it on that. I was feeling 'at the brink' before last week, too. And I don't really have an explanation for it. I've become so short-tempered! I NEVER thought I'd be the kind of mom to swat at my kids and shout at them or say mean things. But it looks like I have become just that. For the last couple weeks, I've hated looking back at my day and some of the things I've said to Jack or the ways I've handled situations with him. I am smart, and good at diffusing temper-tantrums, distraction, humor....all the things that would work better than what I've been doing. But I feel like I've become lazy and just fall back on allowing myself to do whatever comes naturally- which in the face of frustration and annoyance, is the worst thing I can be doing.
I am scrambling to get an hour, a minute, a second to myself during the day- to sit and eat a bowl of cereal or check my email or SHOWER. Most of the time these things don't happen. I am crabby if the kids don't nap together, or at the exact moment I want them to....and then if they do, I am crabby when they have the audacity to wake up.
I am not stimulating Jack or Mallie with games or reading or crafts. I am doing the bare minimum. And speaking of things I am not doing- there is a LONG list that I go through in my mind about 1,000 times a day. Every time I recite the list, or add a new item, I become ancy, anxious, annoyed....but I never have a time window to begin on the list- and if I do, I rarely do anything anyways, because I am almost resigned to the fact that the list will never be accomplished anyways.
Here are some of the items on this list:
-get house ready to put on the market (painting, de-cluttering, cleaning closets, cleaning cabinets, organizing basement, weeding yard, making flyers, taking pictures, etc, etc., etc., etc.)
-clean out my car (may not sound like a big deal, but trust me....)
-order all pictures of kids on photo website (dating back to Jack's 1st b-day party)
-catch up on Jack's scrapbook
-begin Mallie's scrapbook
-write something, anything down about this pregnancy, as I have the other 2, so that this baby can read it some day, like the other 2.
-clip coupons
-organize grocery shopping so that I am not buying duplicates, not wasting, using what I have.
-start cooking and freezing meals for when the baby is born
-take inventory of kids' clothes in order to buy summer clothes for them.
-LAUNDRY
-start reading 'A New Earth'
-educate myself on the household finances and the program Tommy made for us


This is a very, very small snip-it of the things I like in my own head daily....usually during the 12 minutes I have free, which I spend sitting on the couch, watching TV.

I feel caught between two philosophies of motherhood. One, introduced to me by my sister's friend: housework and other miscellaneous tasks come far, far down the list of priorities behind stimulating and entertaining your child. Dishes pile up, floors go unwashed, laundry stays dirty. You spend your day with your child, engaging them, playing, stimulating, reading, crafting, imagining. And you don't worry about anything else because being a mom is your job. Not being a maid. The second, is reinforced to me every time I watch my newest favorite show "Jon and Kate +8". The mom on this show has a set of 6 year-old twins and 3 year-old sextuplets...for a grand total of 8 kids. Mind you, it is a TV show, so I'm sure we aren't seeing it ALL. But this girl is TOGETHER. Washing floors after every meal, wiping every surface down, 3-4 loads of laundry per day, cooking every meal- organically, kids are clean and dressed well.
I want both of these worlds and I do try. But at 10 a.m., when I've spent the last 30 minutes cleaning the kitchen after breakfast from 2 kids, vaccuming the floors and throwing in one load of laundry (barely making a real dent in what really needs to be done around here!) both of my kids are whining and crying for attention, or watching Elmo- not being stimulated by me- and then the guilt sinks in because I'm doing things that are unimportant instead of spending time with them. So, we spend time doing a craft or playing a game...and in 30 minutes, the house is a disaster again and I'm feeling like I can't breath because the anxiety is building because the mental list is building. And then I start snapping at the kids because of my own frustration and 'why can't they just clean up after themselves?" and then I realize that Jack is 2 and Mallie is 10 months old and then the guilt begins for being so short-tempered with them.

Then I think about people with 3 kids who work full time and don't have a husband. How do they do it? And what the hell am I complaining about? What about the moms living in Africa without any amenities, who have sick kids they're trying to care for? I mean, really, what am I feeling anxious about? I do think of these things several times a day, but sometimes they don't stick and I allow myself to spiral.

I think that's enough for this post. Just a lot of venting after a few tough weeks.