Friday, February 15th, 2008

Lots of time to think today, which is good and bad- as you'll see from the following thoughts:

Thinking about how obsessed I am with death and what would happen if someone close to me died. It's obviously a horrible thought and shows how neurotic I am....but thinking about how I think about it tells even more about me.... like, if I'm spending this much time thinking about this, what am I missing out on thinking about (I honestly can't even imagine)...... and how are these thoughts of death affecting me in unknown ways (i.e. being controlling, impulsive, a loud mouth, attention-getting, etc.) Also, sitting upstairs in Jack's room tonight with Mallie and Tommy, thinking about what would happen if my sister died... and then realizing that Mallie, or Jack or Tommy could die too. Oh crap! That had never occurred to me before. I mean, what the HELL!!!???? There is definately something wrong with me. Spending a quiet Friday night at home with my family and thinking about how I'll be acting at the funeral...... whoa.....way more screwed up than I thought. ewwww. I'm grossing myself out.

Then I switched gears to thinking about how I hadn't showered all day....this is most days now. I either shower at night or every other day. It is so funny how routinely I bathed in my school years. I HAD to shower every morning or I felt like some sort of cave person. But now, I make do with 5-6 showers a week (even when I work out!) And to be honest, I do not look much different than when I was showering all the time. Except I've gained more weight. So maybe the showers wash off pounds. But, really, it's just too time-consuming and too much effort to think about it let alone go through with it. So, I usually don't.

Most grateful moment: Tommy agreed to meet us for lunch this morning. This was a big deal because Mallie has had pink eye and an ear infection all week, so we've been stuck inside. I wasn't ready to go to a kid-oriented outing, since I'm not sure how she's feeling and Jack could be contagious with some unsurfaced bug.... so meeting Tommy was the perfect thing. We had a nice lunch out!

One thing I learned: That there are still people in America that cannot think about voting for either a black, nor a woman for president. What the hell is wrong with people? It truly amazes me that people think that, let alone say it out loud.

One moment I wish I could redo: This morning I was trying to chisel time out to play with Jack. We were trying to make a mailbox for him and he was really excited. But I got caught up changing Mallie, having to take him to the potty and then feeding her. It just always feels like there are 100000000 things standing in the way of spending the time I want to with him. Some are unimportant, but in this case I had to get them. We ended up playing later, but it was really frustrating for me.


Best life tip: Keep in touch withthe people you love- at almost any cost. The extra time I've had these days to ist around and think always lead me back to relationships that I am sick about losing. Some of these are Fina, Kym, Pat, and Jay. Some are through my own fault, some are through both mine and theirs. But regardless, it's always hurtful to think about how different my life would be, how much fuller and grateful (not that it already is not!!!) with them here. It'll be something I'll always regret.

Biggest laugh of the day: The biggest laugh of the day was actually Jack's. We were playing football in the basement. He has taken to making me wear these ridiculous goggles while we play. We started a pattern of me throwing the ball to him across the room. He'd catch it (or pick it up) and run toward me until he got really close and then whip it at my face. I would act scared and make a Jerry Lewis "eeeeeeewwwww' sound. The more this happened, the harder he would laugh. To the point where he could not run in a straight line toward me or mouscle up the strength to throw the ball. It was infectious....and I must look hilarious wearing those stupid goggles.

Best Tommy moment: Mallie had a fussy evening tonight and was giving TOmmy an especially hard time every time he had her. Sometimes he has a tendency to rush to calm her then put her down in a swing or on the floor instead of just holding her for a while and I think she senses that. I took her from him after dinner and calmed her down and then just held her for a while and she fell asleep on me. Afterwards, I was doing the dishes and he came up and hugged me and told me that I really had a way with the bird.... It was really nice to be recognized and appreciated.

Best Jack moment: There has been a basket full of laundry travelling around our house for 3 days now, waiting patiently to be folded and put away. This afternoon, while my dad was here, I finally got a chance to fold it and brought it upstiars to be put away later. After dinner Tommy took Jack to play in his room while I did the dishes and he ended up falling asleep on Jack's floor while he was playing (you can see where this is going). WHen the dishes were done, I went upstairs to see my laundry scattered around the upstairs landing and hallway. I got so annoyed, saying "This is obnoxious. You're up here sleeping while he's tearing apart my laundry that took me 3 days to fold." As I turned to walk back downstairs I added "I mean, it's all over the freakin'..........' And as a trailed off, I heard Jack finish my sentence: "Fyoor!!!" he said in the same tone and volume. Tommy and I just burst out laughing.

Best Mallie moment: Mallie is in to giving bear hugs. I can't tell if it's when she's happy or sleepy.... but there are times that I am holding her in one arm, upright and she just folds up and hugs my shoulder so tight, pulling her little knees up as high as she can and nuzzling into my neck. It's such a cozy feeling and sometimes she'll start growling into my neck. Other times she just breathes really heavy in and out from her little nose. It's my favorite!!!